If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
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Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
And bowling should be called pinball
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.