@Cpin42

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

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@realHamOnWry

My sister has promised to sing at my funeral. I hope she goes before I do.

@jordan_stratton

PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?

ME: Crimes.

PB: Excuse me?

ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.

@Reverend_Scott

[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

@david8hughes

God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what

@gorrdano

McDonalds employees get so cranky when you perform the entire dance routine to Britney Spear’s “I’m a slave for you” before ordering.

@LuckoftheDraw86

Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.

@WheelTod

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

@VeroniKaboom

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

@LizHackett

The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.