My sister has promised to sing at my funeral. I hope she goes before I do.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
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PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
What exactly does BYOB mean?
“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
McDonalds employees get so cranky when you perform the entire dance routine to Britney Spear’s “I’m a slave for you” before ordering.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.