My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
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me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others