If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
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Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.