If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
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It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?