@mattgallo123

If you drop your phone but pick it up within five seconds, you can still eat it.

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@Hobo_Splendido

Her: Want to have sex?
Me: Yes
H: And maybe we can meet back here after?

@jbillinson

Biden: They don’t really think I’d say this stuff, right?
Obama: Come on Joe, you’ve said worse
Biden: HE’S NOT MY PRESIDENT BARACK. YOU ARE

@Reverend_Scott

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

@aparnapkin

“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”

@seancehat

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

@pseudo_fred

This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses INSIDE of the cars, at least?

@ibid78

You can give a centaur a fish AND lead him to water, which is pretty awesome.

@GeorgeTakei

Marriage equality AND marijuana laws passed? Now we know what Leviticus really meant by “A man who layeth with another man must be stoned.”

@CroweJam

I just woke up and scared the hell out of this mortician.