I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
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After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
“You drive, I’m tired.”
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did