If you drop your phone but pick it up within five seconds, you can still eat it.

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Her: Want to have sex?
Me: Yes
H: And maybe we can meet back here after?


Biden: They don’t really think I’d say this stuff, right?
Obama: Come on Joe, you’ve said worse


“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.


“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”


[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed


This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses INSIDE of the cars, at least?


You can give a centaur a fish AND lead him to water, which is pretty awesome.


Marriage equality AND marijuana laws passed? Now we know what Leviticus really meant by “A man who layeth with another man must be stoned.”


I just woke up and scared the hell out of this mortician.