Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
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Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Time for evil
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.