If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
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#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
They’re called werewolves.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who