If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
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Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Looking at you, Jesus.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
*bites zombie*
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?