If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
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DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.