If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
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*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Danger is very dangerous
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Hot Hot Hot
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?