@TheAndrewNadeau

If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking

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@mdob11

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

@TweetPotato314

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

@HatesNiceThings

If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

@HomeProbably

“Can I borrow your charger?”

Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*

“I meant for my iPhone.”

Me: Oh, hell no.

@juneohara65

Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”

@isabelzawtun

Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since

@dadmann_walking

my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids

me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.

Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.

@NotZaphod

Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.

Men: Same.