If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
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My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Ghost costume 😂
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice