@E_lok44

If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.

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@iwearaonesie

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

@RickAaron

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

@mrtruthandsoul

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

@Gupton68

[playing nunchucks]

Mother Superior: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Me: *putting down Sister Agatha* Sorry, Reverend Mother

@StoneAgeRadio13

[dragging a corpse to the shed]

NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?

ME: decorations?

@MooseAllain

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

@get_stalked

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

@wittwitbarista

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

@MrFornicator

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.

@mack44_d

‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’

~Jason Voorhees, in therapy