If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
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Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Oh deer
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
I finally found a reason to live again.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me