@PaperWash

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

You Might Also Like

@SortaBad

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

@OllyiConic

interviewer: what can you tell me about the last two years of your life

me: just that i hope they haven’t started yet

@SconesMortensen

“You a cop?”

UNDERCOVER COP: No.

“So you wouldn’t mind if I … threw these donuts away?”

UC: *sweats profusely*

@GibJimson

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

@EJGomez

if you don’t appreciate Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, I guess you could say you’re taking him for granite.

thanks & God bless

@FatherWithTwins

If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.

@ReeseButCallMeV

I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

@AimeeHelene1

Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.