i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
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interviewer: what can you tell me about the last two years of your life
me: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
“You a cop?”
UNDERCOVER COP: No.
“So you wouldn’t mind if I … threw these donuts away?”
UC: *sweats profusely*
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
if you don’t appreciate Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, I guess you could say you’re taking him for granite.
thanks & God bless
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.