If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
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My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
boat question
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.