If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
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If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.