if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
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I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Happy Friday
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall