Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
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Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
*exercises sarcastically*
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?