@sweetmomissa

If you end a work email with “hope this helps” what you really meant to say was “if you don’t understand now, you’re a moron.”

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@batkaren

HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

@LeonEarlgrey

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

@FrenulumBreve

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

@LaurenRP

I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.

@suntzufuntzu

Spotify has a new playlist called ‘Screams’. After 5 minutes you recognize the screams as yours. After 30 you realize you never pressed play

@ArfMeasures

*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out

@Smooheed

Co-worker: “hey, how’s the diet going”

Me: looks up with mouth full polystyrene beans from the office beanbag

@thatdutchperson

Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second

@DaddyJew

Apparently when your boss asks if you’re on drugs “which drugs?” isn’t the appropriate response. I know this now.