HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
If you end a work email with “hope this helps” what you really meant to say was “if you don’t understand now, you’re a moron.”
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THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.
HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Spotify has a new playlist called ‘Screams’. After 5 minutes you recognize the screams as yours. After 30 you realize you never pressed play
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Co-worker: “hey, how’s the diet going”
Me: looks up with mouth full polystyrene beans from the office beanbag
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Apparently when your boss asks if you’re on drugs “which drugs?” isn’t the appropriate response. I know this now.