@JB4Realz

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

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@bourgeoisalien

Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.

@thatdutchperson

[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*

[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*

@SortaBad

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

@IamEveryDayPpl

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

@lonelySophia

“Wow 4 tattoos.. those are pretty permanent you know”

Me: wow 4 kids… those are pretty damn permanent CAROL

@Smug_Lemur

Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.

@RachelNoise

By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”

@junejuly12

In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.

@RorynotRoy

“How fast can you hack into the system!?” “20-25 minutes.” “You’ve got 10 minutes!” “Okay, well then I can’t.” – real life spy dialogues