If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
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Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Living the best life.. 😊
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.