If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

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Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.


*rewinds tape with a pencil*

*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*


Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary


Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now


“Wow 4 tattoos.. those are pretty permanent you know”

Me: wow 4 kids… those are pretty damn permanent CAROL


Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.


By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”


In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.


“How fast can you hack into the system!?” “20-25 minutes.” “You’ve got 10 minutes!” “Okay, well then I can’t.” – real life spy dialogues