To people calling themselves “Grammar Nazis”: you’re not correcting grammar so much as punctuation or spelling. Hi, I’m a Nomenclature Nazi.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
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In the movies, anyone can hotwire a car in 10 seconds. In real life, it takes me 20 minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Me: “people always think I’m gay! Do I put off a gay vibe?”
Guy whose back I’m massaging in a bubble bath: “maybe a little”
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Hurricanes, famine, disease, war crimes, child molestation, political corruption. And Jesus appears to mankind on a slice of toast.