If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
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“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
life finds a way
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
this chia pet tastes awful
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
If looks could kill
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter