when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
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[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
I thought this was funny lol
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ