If you ever feel like your hair grows slowly, pay a bunch of money to have it colored. You’ll see your hair grows every single day.

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GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*


ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit


You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.


Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?


Guy: *reading my astronomy magazine over my shoulder on the train* What’s your favourite kind of space?

Me: Personal


My kids remembered it was Tuesday, like some sort of wizards, so we’re eating tacos and school is cancelled for the rest of the week, because clearly they are doing better than most of us.


Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row


13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day

Me: What have you written so far?

13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”

M: Good opener.


In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.


The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.