@thedad
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
@peachontwitta
If you ever feel like your hair grows slowly, pay a bunch of money to have it colored. You’ll see your hair grows every single day.
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@thedad
@FeelingEuphoric
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
@bazecraze
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
@fuzzypantaloons
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
@brynnester
Guy: *reading my astronomy magazine over my shoulder on the train* What’s your favourite kind of space?
Me: Personal
@Divergentmama
My kids remembered it was Tuesday, like some sort of wizards, so we’re eating tacos and school is cancelled for the rest of the week, because clearly they are doing better than most of us.
@ToxicProbably
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
@VerbsRProudest
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
@Writepop
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
@UnFitz
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.