If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
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producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
reduce, reuse, recycle
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Traveler’s camo
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us