@Bob_Janke

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

- @Bob_Janke

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@Mothpete

I’d like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.

@junejuly12

Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

@clichedout

ME: I trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: abbreviate Maine

CAT: me-

ME: what I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: just wait

CAT: we’re just getting started Linda

@HeyHosey

Two animated gifs walked into a bar.
Two animated gifs walked into a bar.
Two animated gifs walked into a bar.
Two animated gifs w[ESC]

@Brianhopecomedy

*wife stares at me*

*I stare at her*

*she frowns*

*I smile*

“You didn’t notice my new-”

“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”

“Dress.”

@splegge

Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys

@khook32

If this cat doesn’t stop trying to lick my plate, we’re having Chinese for dinner tomorrow.

@truegritrumble

GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.

@seamussaid

people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire