If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
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There is no “ea” in Tim.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”