@JonasPolsky

If you ever feel stupid, just remember that every day, people are searching the internet to find out “Is the drug from LIMITLESS real?”

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@dumbbeezie

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

@iAmDelFreaky

Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.

I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.

@ThugRaccoons

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*

@Mr_Kapowski

If your name is David and you have a son, you should definitely name him Harley so he can introduce himself as Harley, David’s son

@brennadine

[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS

@TheTobbie

NOBODY TELLS ME WHAT TO DO! Except my government, boss, his wife, my girlfriend, my parents, my doctor, friends, neighbours, their dogs…

@CheryeDavis

Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!

@Thynebear

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

@GrantTanaka

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow