Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
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A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
bro what is going on at twitter
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
[shakes fist at other fist]
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it