@JonasPolsky

If you ever feel stupid, just remember that every day, people are searching the internet to find out “Is the drug from LIMITLESS real?”

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@BSnapz2019

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

@chancetherapper

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

@brynnester

Me: *chopping onions*
Her: Why are you crying?
Me: I used to have a pet onion when I was a kid

@3sunzzz

Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.

@JulieSnark

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

@thenatewolf

ME: the internet used to come in through the phone. It made a terrible noise, like robots screaming.

GRANDSON: hush grandpa take your pills

@BuckyIsotope

*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*