Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
I’m in glove with you.
If you ever feel stupid, just remember that every day, people are searching the internet to find out “Is the drug from LIMITLESS real?”
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[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Me: *chopping onions*
Her: Why are you crying?
Me: I used to have a pet onion when I was a kid
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.
See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
ME: the internet used to come in through the phone. It made a terrible noise, like robots screaming.
GRANDSON: hush grandpa take your pills
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*