Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
If you ever feel stupid, just remember that every day, people are searching the internet to find out “Is the drug from LIMITLESS real?”
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Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
If your name is David and you have a son, you should definitely name him Harley so he can introduce himself as Harley, David’s son
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
NOBODY TELLS ME WHAT TO DO! Except my government, boss, his wife, my girlfriend, my parents, my doctor, friends, neighbours, their dogs…
Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow