I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
If you ever feel stupid, just remember that every day, people are searching the internet to find out “Is the drug from LIMITLESS real?”
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A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Me: *Holds up drawing* is this the guy?
Witness: that looks nothing like him
Me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there