@JonasPolsky

If you ever feel stupid, just remember that every day, people are searching the internet to find out “Is the drug from LIMITLESS real?”

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@benharnett

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

@TravLeBlanc

A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.

@SoVeryBritish

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

@sonictyrant

Me: *Holds up drawing* is this the guy?

Witness: that looks nothing like him

Me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN

@geekysteven

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

@KimmyMonte

I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.

@RdrJay47

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

@fro_vo

“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”

@envydatropic

Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.

@Reverend_Scott

my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there