if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
You Might Also Like
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.