If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
You Might Also Like
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
best review i’ve ever seen
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.