I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
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CHARACTER: I’ll have a beer
BARTENDER: What brand?
CHARACTER: *stunned* Uh…I don’t know, no one’s ever asked this in a show before
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
I like my women with curves. Lots and lots of curves. In a sort of spiral shape, maybe with ketchup. Curly fries. I like curly fries