@BigMedwards

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

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@Cryptoterra

I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT

@Home_Halfway

[TV show]

CHARACTER: I’ll have a beer

BARTENDER: What brand?

CHARACTER: *stunned* Uh…I don’t know, no one’s ever asked this in a show before

@9to5Life

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

@djdarrellripley

Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]

@ArfMeasures

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

@1evilidiot

I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.

@pilau

cop: [pointing at me] he with you?

him: never seen him before

me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together

@a_simpl_man

The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky

@LurkAtHomeMom

People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?

@cervixsmash

I like my women with curves. Lots and lots of curves. In a sort of spiral shape, maybe with ketchup. Curly fries. I like curly fries