@BigMedwards

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

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@stanleybehrman

I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..

@dogsrverycool

*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????

@envydatropic

People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.

@Kateness8

[walking somewhere]

My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!

@bourgeoisalien

My enemies are gonna be so sorry if I ever get out of this bean bag chair.

@batkaren

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

@Brianhopecomedy

Brought my 5 year old to the tax office to ensure that the accountant works as quickly as possible.