Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
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Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
dorothy: WET TSHIRT CONTEST!
wicked witch: NOOOOOOOOO!
tin man: worst spring break ever.
Maybe we’d still be in the Garden of Eden if Eve had given Adam an Android instead of an Apple.
You don’t know.
Next time you hand someone a roll of toilet paper under the stall, hold their hand for a while. Let them know it’s gonna be okay.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don’t want to touch it any more than you do.