If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
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I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”