@DamonHunzeker

If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.

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@Shade510

Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?

Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.

@ASmallFiction

“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.

He screamed.

“Happy birthday!” they said.

“Do I know you?”

“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”

@smithsara79

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

@JustDontBugMe

I wanted to buy your kid a drum set for her birthday to annoy you but she hates drums.

So instead I bought her a haunted porcelain doll that gets up and plays the drums at 3am

@Thynebear

“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor

@TheRealRHB

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream

@TheRolo

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

@comer310

Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!

@scorpicpanda

If there’s awkward silence & he asks what you’re thinking about “emotionally damaged werewolves” is not the best answer. I know this now.