@DamonHunzeker

If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.

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@soyourelikethat

i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking

@BillArrundale

Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.

@Tmoney68

Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.

Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.

@beefman138

I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.

@EJT___

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait

@timdonakowski

*stops next to punks at red light*

*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*

*light turns green, slowly accelerates*

@JermHimselfish

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

@leechee420

Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”

@trevso_electric

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.