If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.

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i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking


Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.


Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.

Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.


I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.


11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait


*stops next to punks at red light*

*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*

*light turns green, slowly accelerates*


I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.


Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”


Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.