Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
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“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
I wanted to buy your kid a drum set for her birthday to annoy you but she hates drums.
So instead I bought her a haunted porcelain doll that gets up and plays the drums at 3am
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
If there’s awkward silence & he asks what you’re thinking about “emotionally damaged werewolves” is not the best answer. I know this now.