@DamonHunzeker

If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.

You Might Also Like

@leftarmisme

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.

@Quartzjixler

Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.

@Steelers1972

I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.

@TimmyPumpkin

dorothy: WET TSHIRT CONTEST!
wicked witch: NOOOOOOOOO!
tin man: worst spring break ever.

@UnFitz

Maybe we’d still be in the Garden of Eden if Eve had given Adam an Android instead of an Apple.

You don’t know.

@OctopusCaveman

Next time you hand someone a roll of toilet paper under the stall, hold their hand for a while. Let them know it’s gonna be okay.

@HenpeckedHal

Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.

@electrolemon

aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this

@LlamaInaTux

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

@HungoverLawyer

Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don’t want to touch it any more than you do.