If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
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spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH