If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
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You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I miss this era type of pranks😭
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
6: are snakes just neck?
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.