If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
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Plant care tips
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
This a good idea
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…