Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
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Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
a fate I wish upon no one
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
reviewed some movies recently
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.