I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
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Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.