If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
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Choose your fighter
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Some people were born into their job.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby