If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
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I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
meow
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby