If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
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COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell