For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
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Ha
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
WTF
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“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…