@Parentpains

If you ever hear me say that I missed you it’s only because I have bad aim.

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@rachel2manypaws

In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC

@TheCatWhisprer

My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.

@TVsCarlKinsella

FOUNDER OF HOGWARTS: okay, so we all know there are four types of kid. brave, smart, evil and miscellaneous.
SCHOOL BOARD: yes, continue.

@hashtagyolo11

BOSS: you’re an hour late

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?

@ClichedOut

Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.

@T_Bonezzz

Been dating this new chick and some days i like her and some days i don’t.

so i made her a mixed signal tape

@girlnarly

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?

@murrman5

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it