If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
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A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Oh. My. God.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.