HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
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Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
I’m starting to think the other moms might not like my nicknames for their kids.
In the movies, anyone can hotwire a car in 10 seconds. In real life, it takes me 20 minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental.
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
I told a boy I loved him once. We were 6. He punched my arm & stole my cake. Life lesson. Never lose sight of what’s important. #Cake.