While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
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While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there