If you ever need 15 minutes of peace and quiet from texting, tell her to send a selfie.

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CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice


[on a romantic dinner date]
girlfriend: *takes some of my fries*
me: *quietly puts engagement ring back into my pocket*


[seafood restaurant]

CHEF: where are my shellfish?!

ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you


[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]

Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?


Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.


99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.


Judging by this line at Costco it doesn’t look like I’ll ever see my family again.



[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]


Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?


Jim ate my sandwich.

It was clearly labeled.

Jim’s email is open on his PC.

Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.

The sandwich was LABELED.