@elvisknievil

If you ever need 15 minutes of peace and quiet from texting, tell her to send a selfie.

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@KalvinMacleod

CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice

@ohen39

[on a romantic dinner date]
girlfriend: *takes some of my fries*
me: *quietly puts engagement ring back into my pocket*

@PleaseBeGneiss

[seafood restaurant]

CHEF: where are my shellfish?!

ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you

@BoomBoomBetty

[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]

Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?

@Stellacopter

Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.

@patnspankme

99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.

@DaddyJew

Judging by this line at Costco it doesn’t look like I’ll ever see my family again.

Sweet.

@FrenulumBreve

[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]

@3sunzzz

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

@UncleDuke1969

Jim ate my sandwich.

It was clearly labeled.

Jim’s email is open on his PC.

Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.

The sandwich was LABELED.