If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
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Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.