@thenatewolf: If you ever quit twitter, instead of writing something sanctimonious, write "About to go skydiving. Wish me luck!" and then never post again
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@ShesARealGenius: Sardine Wife: "What's wrong?" Sardine Husband: "I just need some space, Linda." Sardine Wife: "WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH"
@ThugRaccoons: Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes? Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
@LostFelicia: There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
@theshantilly: *shampoos & conditions hair *rinses hair *blowdries hair *straightens hair *spits toothpaste into hair