If you ever quit twitter, instead of writing something sanctimonious, write “About to go skydiving. Wish me luck!” and then never post again

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*pretends to throw a ball and my dog chases after it*
haha idiot
*checks email*
holy shit i won a million dollars??


ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start


I respect how the Hamburglar was like, “Hey, I know I’m at rock bottom here, but I’m going to be professional about it and wear a tie.”


Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.


I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.


Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it


If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.


Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.


Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.


If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.