GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
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the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible