@thenatewolf

If you ever quit twitter, instead of writing something sanctimonious, write “About to go skydiving. Wish me luck!” and then never post again

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@hippieswordfish

*pretends to throw a ball and my dog chases after it*
haha idiot
*checks email*
holy shit i won a million dollars??

@jonnysun

ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start

@RorynotRoy

I respect how the Hamburglar was like, “Hey, I know I’m at rock bottom here, but I’m going to be professional about it and wear a tie.”

@elle91

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

@Darlainky

I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.

@KazHiraiCEO

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

@3sunzzz

If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

@1Happytwit

Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

@AntozWolf

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

@DamonHunzeker

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.