@Miss_MI_Kay

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

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@Marcmywords2

Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.

@LostFelicia

Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.

@SadMeterologist

Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

@CulturedRuffian

Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?

Me: Not really, I’m stuffed

Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check

Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.

@junejuly12

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

@AsgardianRose

“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.

@causticbob

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

@KattsDogma

The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.