Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
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Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.
Someone made up dinosaur sounds without ever hearing them
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Me: I don’t really.
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.