If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
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Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or