[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
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A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
I enjoy a good short stor
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt