If you ever saw me race to the liquor store 5 mins before it closes, you’d hire me for a getaway driver in a bank heist any day.
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The wind blew a smart car into my lane and I had to roll down my window and swat it out of the way.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Be the person your dog thinks you are
Not the person your cat knows you are
I’ve been trying out the rum diet this week, I’ve lost 2 days already.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
me: I lost the boy
me: at the burrito stand
me: I turned around for a second
me: and then for a third
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
I’d never snoop through my girlfriend’s phone out of love, a deep respect and the inability to crack her password.