@Douchekevin

If you ever saw me race to the liquor store 5 mins before it closes, you’d hire me for a getaway driver in a bank heist any day.

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@pork_steaks

“Was this car tested on animals?” “sir animals can’t drive” “will this car enable animals to drive?” “No” “SO YOU DID TEST IT!” “god damnit”

@bossy_bootz

Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce

@vidalsg

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

@pixelatedboat

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

@DrakeGatsby

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.

@Ah_kee_oh

No I don’t hate my boss. It’s just that I wish his toilet paper was sand paper.

@Sir_Strange

Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.

@Jn1fer

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today