@Douchekevin

If you ever saw me race to the liquor store 5 mins before it closes, you’d hire me for a getaway driver in a bank heist any day.

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@thegayfarmerguy

The wind blew a smart car into my lane and I had to roll down my window and swat it out of the way.

@Darlainky

Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”

@ozzyunc

Be the person your dog thinks you are
Not the person your cat knows you are

@ChrisLaSacUK

I’ve been trying out the rum diet this week, I’ve lost 2 days already.

@mrjohndarby

doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day

@MarfSalvador

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

@realHamOnWry

I’d never snoop through my girlfriend’s phone out of love, a deep respect and the inability to crack her password.