“Was this car tested on animals?” “sir animals can’t drive” “will this car enable animals to drive?” “No” “SO YOU DID TEST IT!” “god damnit”
If you ever saw me race to the liquor store 5 mins before it closes, you’d hire me for a getaway driver in a bank heist any day.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
No I don’t hate my boss. It’s just that I wish his toilet paper was sand paper.
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today