Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
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I vote we change the word “bar” after “salad” because no one is taking this shot of ranch off me and its starting to get awkward.
your astrological sign + what’s to blame for all your problems
aries: the moon
taurus: the moon
gemini: the moon
cancer: the moon
leo: the moon
virgo: the moon
libra: the moon
scorpio: being a scorpio
sagittarius: the moon
capricorn: the moon
aquarius: the moon
pisces: the moon
If ignorance is bliss then explain Facebook.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I carry a gun because I’d rather be judged by 12 than carried by six.
Day 5 of quarantine. Alexa and I are no longer speaking to each other.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?