@ariscott

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

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@batkaren

Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?

@sarcasm_inc

I vote we change the word “bar” after “salad” because no one is taking this shot of ranch off me and its starting to get awkward.

@fuckthem00n

your astrological sign + what’s to blame for all your problems

aries: the moon
taurus: the moon
gemini: the moon
cancer: the moon
leo: the moon
virgo: the moon
libra: the moon
scorpio: being a scorpio
sagittarius: the moon
capricorn: the moon
aquarius: the moon
pisces: the moon

@kimtopher22

The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.

@JanuaryJames

I carry a gun because I’d rather be judged by 12 than carried by six.

@impaulmccoy

Day 5 of quarantine. Alexa and I are no longer speaking to each other.

@Playing_Dad

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

@OtherDanOBrien

Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?