If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
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i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
When you try jalapeños for the first time
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Those are good neighbors.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Put the is in disheveled
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.