@GibJimson

If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.

If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.

- @GibJimson

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@Darlainky

“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.

@House_Feminist

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

@junejuly12

What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock

@WheelTod

The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.

@sixfootcandy

I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.

Freeloader.

@shanethevein

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

@omgthatspunny

Do you know why the Little Mermaid wears seashells? Because A and B shells were too small

@TweetPotato314

[Sea World]

me: how much to see the great white sharks?

vendor: tickets are $25 each

me: alright *looks up from wallet* how much for the just ok white sharks?

@TheAlexNevil

“Danger” was my middle name until I had it legally changed to “No, I’m good, thanks.”