If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
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The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
the simulation is moving too fast
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I’M CRYINGGG
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Have kids, they said
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.