If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
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i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*