I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
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I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
He wanted to make sure😂
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.